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Though one girl did succeed in propelling a cockroach into her opponent's windpipe, there are no winners here. Feel free to follow him on Twitter here. Or maybe that tentacle fetish thing has finally come full circle and now they're cross-breeding women with actual squid? At least she'll surely be given a sizable bump in her starting bid once the next underground auction rolls around. Appearing to be exhausted from his efforts, the challenger withdraws momentarily.

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Alyssa. Age: 25.
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I don't want to jump to conclusions.

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Kinslee. Age: 24.
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Sadly, although there's a red curtain concealing all the furious digital dink manipulation, it's doubtful that something like this would be picked up by an American network. This clip perfectly encapsulates the unique Japanese ability to combine cloying, saccharine cuteness with the brutal savagery of mankind's most base desires. Our aging contestant is next paired with a younger competitor, and the still-slippery ladies begin forcing rubber balls down both of their shorts. All the slurpy shenanigans take place behind a strategically placed box, but it rapidly becomes evident that the professional has severely underestimated the skills of the amateur.

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