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Women love talking about dicks. My friend broke up with her boyfriend the other day because of a butt dial. My friends are largely confident women who truly believe that they are much smarter, better looking, more stylish and cultivated than your ex. More recently, I was told that boys like it when you lick upwards once on the left, once on the right and once in centre. Love is about accepting each other's weaknesses. These are all sentences I heard in the past couple of weeks at parties, pubs and over lunch.

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Maisie. Age: 28.
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So, in order for me to process and expel the image of you drunk and crying because you're having a cocaine freakout while dressed as Tweety Pie at a freshers' party, and still be able to fuck you after that — I'm going to have to tell my friends.

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Renata. Age: 23.
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Plus they change shape constantly, they're easy to imagine with faces and they feel like this slightly separate entity that you can play with, without absolutely having to get emotionally attached. That includes the girl who took me on a tour of France's Michelin star restaurants, the guy who gave me warts, the dude who broke up with me when we were 13 'cause he wanted to try to finger my friend, the man I dated for half my life and all the babes I fucked in between. My friend broke up with her boyfriend the other day because of a butt dial.

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