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So here it is Merry Chris…no hang on. I realised I glossed over my weekend in order to get to writing about today, so I could go through the utter crap of it all with twisted, cynical and bitter prose, punctuated with a deep sense of loathing for anyone who is snuggled up in bed with a loved one after a marathon sex session because roses were brought into the household. You know who you are.

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The passion that grew out of this OC record collective and DJ crew is now a world wide syndicate of vinyl heads with hearts in their eyes when it comes to the funk. Everything else—flowers, chocolates and candlelight dinners—is all bullshit. Lovers looking to make a night of it crowd into the restaurant booths or at the bar early in the evening to get fed and boozed up before the party begins.

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Go from buddy to girlfriend or pal to boyfriend. What number of instances has that phrase been cheerfully supplied after a nasty date or three? Occasions when you wish to simply name the whole thing off, the place you resign your self to the truth that maybe you will just find yourself alone.

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I would watch him from far away, daydreaming about him asking me to prom, secure in the knowledge that he would literally NEVER notice me or consider buying me a can of Coke, much less take me to prom. I mean, I was almost invisible. But then in a strange twist, and as the fates laughed, rolling their dice, I saw Mr Hotness himself from a distance, one fine P. I vaguely remember that we were doing softball or some other sport involving a racket or a bat, and he walked right through it all — with all the balls flying everywhere, like a scene out of The Matrix — and sat next to me.

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This puts me in a bit of a dilemma. Should I pay someone to do it or should I do it myself? Purists might say it would be more romantic to take care of something like this personally. But then what do I use?

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